I suffer from depression but I have gotten better. I have a will to live and now I want to help people who lived the way I have. I want to help people like my sister and me. I was sexually harassed as a child and suffered depression and anxiety most of my life. I wanted to make tees for people to make all of us who know someone or who battles anything day to day so that we become a family.
It is on tee-spring, so you can choose between tees, and other things like beach towels, posters, canvas, iphone case, socks, sweatshirts, and way more. Come check out my shop.
teespring.com/depression_speaks
I generally pick tee shirt, sweatshirt, mug, and tote bag and bonus sticker. If you would like to recommend me making the design for another item don't be afraid to email me at emilyyyyyy.jo@gmail.com (subject: teespring request)
Thank you! :D
Read my other blog about what problems I have with my sister who has so many problems... and needs so much help... it is my featured blog post.
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
Sisterly issues
I come from a large family of 6 kids. There was me, Kyla, Josh, Derek, Piper, and Aj. I'm not going to be talking about just any of us, just one. Kyla is the one who I need to talk about.
We came from a home that was abusive and very neglectful. We weren't ever fed enough food to survive well. I was 55 pound at the age of 9, I remembering being 7 and was just then hitting the 50 pound mark; just as a visual.
To everyone else she was seen as a innocent, shy girl. She is about 18 months younger than me. I want to think that this is something she could get over as time goes on but it isn't. Although I have no idea what she really has, so I figured if I tell this story maybe she can be rightfully diagnosed.
Kyla is not someone who you can stick in this little box that you can stick her in, like they try. I want to tell you everything she has been diagnosed with but they couldn't stick with that because she changed so often. I felt it was every 6-8 months they found it wasn't one thing but it could be something else. Ever since she was young she was always diagnosed with something ADHD, ADD, or Asperger at one point.
One they started on her when she was about 12, I believe. She wasn't told she had anything wrong with her then but they knew she had something wrong because she would get very angry, she didn't want to get washed, she didn't want to do chores, she didn't like being told what to do. They thought it was her just being defiant because it was a new environment and we had just got adopted and it may have just sunk in that she was not going to see her birth parents ever again. They tried getting her to go with mom to the movies and do mother-daughter things to create a bond between them but it didn't change the fact that she was still very verbal. I think it was around this time we had gone to my aunt's in New Hampshire, Kyla had called my sister Michelle a 'pig'. This wasn't the first time she had said anything like that because she had said that to mom months prior to that. Kyla had also stolen things from my aunt's bags. She took things like rubber bands, and I believe buttons as well.
Later on they turn to the fact that it could be Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). They thought she just wanted to have someone look at her and that she would take any attention she could get, good or bad. But when she got good for doing good she didn't react the same as other kids. If she got something like a treat for being good she expected more, thought she should have gotten way more than she did. She would try saying stuff about how she know I get more but I never got in trouble just once in a while like any teen would.
Then I think they were trying to get it as jealousy because she wanted everything I had and more. She would steal things from me and she would steal things from my parents. I remember one thing she stole from me that my birth mother gave to me, it was a mood ring. To this day, it went missing again and I have no idea where she would have hid it. It was something my birth mother gave me to have to remember her by and I kept it because she was my mother, although she failed as a caring and giving mother but she did give birth and I still believe she loved all of her kids. I think Kyla was jealous of that.
She was jealous of Ashlyn, our oldest niece. Years ago, she had done an Indian burn, which is when you take someone's arm and you put your hands close together on their arm and one hand is twisted one way and the other hand the opposite causing a red burn on their arm when the hands glides across the skin in opposite ways. Ashlyn was 5, I think. She was young and Kyla knew Ashlyn has kind of a big mouth because she didn't take crap from no one. Kyla threatened her saying "If you tell on me, I'll throw you off this deck." Now they were on a deck when she said this and for a little girl it could have hurt her if she were to go off the deck by accident or on purpose she could have broken something or sprain something. She could have also landed wrong and could have smashed her head. However, Ashlyn ran down the stairs saying she was going to go ask Meme (my mom) for a snack. She knew she had to tell so she lied to Kyla and ran off and told my mom and Kyla tried to deny everything because who would believe a child over a teenager? However, Ashlyn didn't lie and it was too long and too detailed to be a lie from a little girl. She also had a red arm to go with her story. Kyla thought threatening her was going to scare her enough to make her quiet. I think she was testing out how to scare a kid of her size wondering what Ashlyn would do in that situation. Kyla is too smart and I think she knows exactly why she's doing it and there is more of a reason of why she wants to know these things.
Another thing was that she could have something worse. These people even tried to say it was something autistic because of the way she wrote but that fell flat because she just didn't want to write. There were some social skills that may have never been learned but it was just because we came from a family that taught us to never trust anyone, police and others more then just any human outside. We were told to lie to people about conditions at home. Most of us didn't speak except for me. I don't remember exactly what I said but I knew I said something. I was the oldest and I said something about not being able to talk, not being able to tell them what happens only to tell you what we were told to tell people.
Within this past year they have come up with the fact that she could be showing signs of schizophrenia because she would get caught with knives in her room December 2015 and taken out of the home. She tells the officer that she had thought about killing herself but we all knew better. The officer would have her taken up to a Bangor mental hospital to take a test. She would take the test and fail it proving she was not suicidal. However, I didn't mention a key part that made this scary. She had a woman watch after her after school, to make sure she did her chores and other things like homework and shower and getting ready for bed. Weeks before finding these weapons she commented to this worker that "I wish I could gut my parents like goats." Oddly enough this was not the first time she had made gruesome comments. Years ago she and I got into it because I ignored her as she talked to me. We were supposed to be cleaning up dog poop and she didn't want to do it so she just talked and watched me work. Finally she pushed me and I pushed back. She then tried pushing again so then I swung my fist down. She punch me then but I was stronger. It hurt but not enough. She was then scared of me. She had dug her nails into my skin for years and I finally had enough, and she knew she picked on me for the last time. But this was when her comment scared me the most. She proceeded to tell me word for word, "I could just cut your head off with a shovel and put it into a Walmart shopping bag and throw it in Pleasant Lake." The shovel she was referring to was the one she had in her hand, it was a dirt shovel. It was a metal shovel with a wooden handle. Pleasant lake was the lake that our camp was at that we went to every summer.
She is now living in Augusta, Maine. There is a new program that she has been going to for a while that is supposed to help her get on her feet by getting her to do chores and to get through school, and even get her to work eventually and get her to use her money wisely. However, she doesn't do her chores because there is no punishment for not doing so, she doesn't contact family members, she doesn't do anything to better herself in any situation. She doesn't want help. She believes everyone else is the problem. She needs more help then these people are giving her, but it's because we all know she is dangerous but we don't know what to do about this.
Although I had an idea about cat-fishing her and trying to be her best friend, or a guy for her to fall in love with to gain her trust, just so I could see what her mind is thinking. I just want a glimpse of what she is really thinking. Sadly, I am more honest and loving to a sister who I don't think is capable to do the same so I don't think I can do it. I don't want to be a liar or being a horrible cat-fisher. I just want answers on what is wrong with her, and if there is more then just mental illness. She could be a killer and I don't want that to happen but she is smart enough. If given the chance I honestly believe she would hurt someone. She has brought her fists up before to hit my mom, but there was always people around so I think she knew in order to get away with it she needed to make sure no one else was around and she really didn't have a plan that would set her free if the average eye looked at it.
She needs help but she doesn't show that she wants any help, she doesn't show that she knows she has a problem. She blames everyone else.
She came home this past summer for a visit and when coming into the camper my parents said that she would just stand in the middle of the room while my parents would be sitting at the table talking. She wouldn't tell them she was there, she would just stand there and watch until my mom finally acknowledged her. The whole time she was home for that 36-ish hours she would not talk unless spoken to first, and when she did she would talk in short words. I know there is something wrong, and I know that the pills they are using for her are not doing anything either.
What is the real thoughts that she is having? Is it really Schizophrenia? Does she live in this alternate universe where she thinks she can do what ever she wants without any punishment? Or is it something more? Would she ever kill someone? Would she ever kill a kid, or a baby, or our mom or dad, maybe a friend or me? I could write you a book on my whole life, and you would see her as a "troubled kid", however you would see something darker living next to her everyday until they finally took her away when finding those knives. One screw driver was found, the size of a dollar bill. She had also hidden papers one being a court paper telling her to contact an attorney by the name of Arnold Clark to discuss her case. I don't know much about where this paper came from. Other papers were things from teachers saying what her grades were. She probably hid these to hide what her grades were, which is counted as normal for kids who don't want to be getting in trouble for bad grades. She had hidden 2 knives, one was a regular knife, red switch type blade, I don't know the name for them but my dad used them. It was smaller then a Swiss army knife. Another, we had no idea where she got. It was green with no handle, just the blade and it was not something small. She had them in a puzzle box. We searched her room at random times because she would steal things.
To everyone at school she was shy and innocent. People just knew she one day didn't go back to school not knowing she had a problem and had been taken out because of the weapons we found.
Has anyone ever heard anything like this? And what can I do to get her some help?
I also have pictures to show when and what she had in her bag and in that puzzle box.
Please email me at emilyyyyyy.jo@gmail.com. Make sure you put "Kyla's problem" in the subject line. Thank you for reading!
We came from a home that was abusive and very neglectful. We weren't ever fed enough food to survive well. I was 55 pound at the age of 9, I remembering being 7 and was just then hitting the 50 pound mark; just as a visual.
To everyone else she was seen as a innocent, shy girl. She is about 18 months younger than me. I want to think that this is something she could get over as time goes on but it isn't. Although I have no idea what she really has, so I figured if I tell this story maybe she can be rightfully diagnosed.
Kyla is not someone who you can stick in this little box that you can stick her in, like they try. I want to tell you everything she has been diagnosed with but they couldn't stick with that because she changed so often. I felt it was every 6-8 months they found it wasn't one thing but it could be something else. Ever since she was young she was always diagnosed with something ADHD, ADD, or Asperger at one point.
One they started on her when she was about 12, I believe. She wasn't told she had anything wrong with her then but they knew she had something wrong because she would get very angry, she didn't want to get washed, she didn't want to do chores, she didn't like being told what to do. They thought it was her just being defiant because it was a new environment and we had just got adopted and it may have just sunk in that she was not going to see her birth parents ever again. They tried getting her to go with mom to the movies and do mother-daughter things to create a bond between them but it didn't change the fact that she was still very verbal. I think it was around this time we had gone to my aunt's in New Hampshire, Kyla had called my sister Michelle a 'pig'. This wasn't the first time she had said anything like that because she had said that to mom months prior to that. Kyla had also stolen things from my aunt's bags. She took things like rubber bands, and I believe buttons as well.
Later on they turn to the fact that it could be Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). They thought she just wanted to have someone look at her and that she would take any attention she could get, good or bad. But when she got good for doing good she didn't react the same as other kids. If she got something like a treat for being good she expected more, thought she should have gotten way more than she did. She would try saying stuff about how she know I get more but I never got in trouble just once in a while like any teen would.
Then I think they were trying to get it as jealousy because she wanted everything I had and more. She would steal things from me and she would steal things from my parents. I remember one thing she stole from me that my birth mother gave to me, it was a mood ring. To this day, it went missing again and I have no idea where she would have hid it. It was something my birth mother gave me to have to remember her by and I kept it because she was my mother, although she failed as a caring and giving mother but she did give birth and I still believe she loved all of her kids. I think Kyla was jealous of that.
She was jealous of Ashlyn, our oldest niece. Years ago, she had done an Indian burn, which is when you take someone's arm and you put your hands close together on their arm and one hand is twisted one way and the other hand the opposite causing a red burn on their arm when the hands glides across the skin in opposite ways. Ashlyn was 5, I think. She was young and Kyla knew Ashlyn has kind of a big mouth because she didn't take crap from no one. Kyla threatened her saying "If you tell on me, I'll throw you off this deck." Now they were on a deck when she said this and for a little girl it could have hurt her if she were to go off the deck by accident or on purpose she could have broken something or sprain something. She could have also landed wrong and could have smashed her head. However, Ashlyn ran down the stairs saying she was going to go ask Meme (my mom) for a snack. She knew she had to tell so she lied to Kyla and ran off and told my mom and Kyla tried to deny everything because who would believe a child over a teenager? However, Ashlyn didn't lie and it was too long and too detailed to be a lie from a little girl. She also had a red arm to go with her story. Kyla thought threatening her was going to scare her enough to make her quiet. I think she was testing out how to scare a kid of her size wondering what Ashlyn would do in that situation. Kyla is too smart and I think she knows exactly why she's doing it and there is more of a reason of why she wants to know these things.
Another thing was that she could have something worse. These people even tried to say it was something autistic because of the way she wrote but that fell flat because she just didn't want to write. There were some social skills that may have never been learned but it was just because we came from a family that taught us to never trust anyone, police and others more then just any human outside. We were told to lie to people about conditions at home. Most of us didn't speak except for me. I don't remember exactly what I said but I knew I said something. I was the oldest and I said something about not being able to talk, not being able to tell them what happens only to tell you what we were told to tell people.
Within this past year they have come up with the fact that she could be showing signs of schizophrenia because she would get caught with knives in her room December 2015 and taken out of the home. She tells the officer that she had thought about killing herself but we all knew better. The officer would have her taken up to a Bangor mental hospital to take a test. She would take the test and fail it proving she was not suicidal. However, I didn't mention a key part that made this scary. She had a woman watch after her after school, to make sure she did her chores and other things like homework and shower and getting ready for bed. Weeks before finding these weapons she commented to this worker that "I wish I could gut my parents like goats." Oddly enough this was not the first time she had made gruesome comments. Years ago she and I got into it because I ignored her as she talked to me. We were supposed to be cleaning up dog poop and she didn't want to do it so she just talked and watched me work. Finally she pushed me and I pushed back. She then tried pushing again so then I swung my fist down. She punch me then but I was stronger. It hurt but not enough. She was then scared of me. She had dug her nails into my skin for years and I finally had enough, and she knew she picked on me for the last time. But this was when her comment scared me the most. She proceeded to tell me word for word, "I could just cut your head off with a shovel and put it into a Walmart shopping bag and throw it in Pleasant Lake." The shovel she was referring to was the one she had in her hand, it was a dirt shovel. It was a metal shovel with a wooden handle. Pleasant lake was the lake that our camp was at that we went to every summer.
She is now living in Augusta, Maine. There is a new program that she has been going to for a while that is supposed to help her get on her feet by getting her to do chores and to get through school, and even get her to work eventually and get her to use her money wisely. However, she doesn't do her chores because there is no punishment for not doing so, she doesn't contact family members, she doesn't do anything to better herself in any situation. She doesn't want help. She believes everyone else is the problem. She needs more help then these people are giving her, but it's because we all know she is dangerous but we don't know what to do about this.
Although I had an idea about cat-fishing her and trying to be her best friend, or a guy for her to fall in love with to gain her trust, just so I could see what her mind is thinking. I just want a glimpse of what she is really thinking. Sadly, I am more honest and loving to a sister who I don't think is capable to do the same so I don't think I can do it. I don't want to be a liar or being a horrible cat-fisher. I just want answers on what is wrong with her, and if there is more then just mental illness. She could be a killer and I don't want that to happen but she is smart enough. If given the chance I honestly believe she would hurt someone. She has brought her fists up before to hit my mom, but there was always people around so I think she knew in order to get away with it she needed to make sure no one else was around and she really didn't have a plan that would set her free if the average eye looked at it.
She needs help but she doesn't show that she wants any help, she doesn't show that she knows she has a problem. She blames everyone else.
She came home this past summer for a visit and when coming into the camper my parents said that she would just stand in the middle of the room while my parents would be sitting at the table talking. She wouldn't tell them she was there, she would just stand there and watch until my mom finally acknowledged her. The whole time she was home for that 36-ish hours she would not talk unless spoken to first, and when she did she would talk in short words. I know there is something wrong, and I know that the pills they are using for her are not doing anything either.
What is the real thoughts that she is having? Is it really Schizophrenia? Does she live in this alternate universe where she thinks she can do what ever she wants without any punishment? Or is it something more? Would she ever kill someone? Would she ever kill a kid, or a baby, or our mom or dad, maybe a friend or me? I could write you a book on my whole life, and you would see her as a "troubled kid", however you would see something darker living next to her everyday until they finally took her away when finding those knives. One screw driver was found, the size of a dollar bill. She had also hidden papers one being a court paper telling her to contact an attorney by the name of Arnold Clark to discuss her case. I don't know much about where this paper came from. Other papers were things from teachers saying what her grades were. She probably hid these to hide what her grades were, which is counted as normal for kids who don't want to be getting in trouble for bad grades. She had hidden 2 knives, one was a regular knife, red switch type blade, I don't know the name for them but my dad used them. It was smaller then a Swiss army knife. Another, we had no idea where she got. It was green with no handle, just the blade and it was not something small. She had them in a puzzle box. We searched her room at random times because she would steal things.
To everyone at school she was shy and innocent. People just knew she one day didn't go back to school not knowing she had a problem and had been taken out because of the weapons we found.
Has anyone ever heard anything like this? And what can I do to get her some help?
I also have pictures to show when and what she had in her bag and in that puzzle box.
Please email me at emilyyyyyy.jo@gmail.com. Make sure you put "Kyla's problem" in the subject line. Thank you for reading!
Friday, September 22, 2017
Who am I?
Who am I?
I wanted to start off this blog by telling you a little about myself. I am Emily, but you can call me Emmi, either works for me. I come from a little town in Maine, Usa. I am not really friends with anyone in my town just really only talk to 2 people who live about 2 hours away each. I have 3 cats and I don't really do anything besides going to work and watching tv the other part of the time. I am into playing online and taking pictures.
Why am I on here?
I want to make a name for myself. I really like making t-shirts, and just messing around online to see how to get into making a shop online. I don't know how but I am going to make a name or brand for myself. I am not here for the money, I just want to be my own boss and sell things to people who might be interesting in what I have to offer.
What I am going to talk about on here?
I am going to talking about things I strongly believe in. I want to try and help people through tough times by telling stories about my life. I work in retail so some of those stories are some retail horror stories, McDonald horror stories and then just life itself.
What I am going to talk about on here?
I am going to talking about things I strongly believe in. I want to try and help people through tough times by telling stories about my life. I work in retail so some of those stories are some retail horror stories, McDonald horror stories and then just life itself.
Twitter: crazy_kat_ladie
instagram: crazy_kat_ladi
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